This movie is advertised as a “horror/musical” and I hope to the gods this isn’t a thing that will trend. Of all the horror genres and sub genres and sub sub genres, “Singin’ Draculas” doesn’t need to be a thing.
That wasn’t a joke. I say a lot of provocative, ridiculous shit on here but it’s true – it’s a horror musical.
The movie opens with a scene from inside the worst bar in Poland. A house full of moms and Eastern European pimps dance, as do the kitchen and wait staff… all just kind of dance along to the mom-band on stage playing disco classics because this is a goddamned horror musical! Head Pimp interviews a pair of teenage mermaid strippers… well I thought they would be strippers, because he starts with “Okay now get naked!” but I guess they’re singers. Right, from there it’s a Bollywood dance number in a department store. All the townspeople are just bonkers for departments stores! Long lines and dancing, and teenage mermaid stripper singers roll in and start singing about new clothes and hair spray because this is a goddammned horror musical!!
The pair join the mom-band and play songs with bizarre lyrics for a room full of old people. One mermaid goes off and eats random dudes at night while the other falls in love with the bass player. Plenty of musical scenes, a little bit of lesbian fish sex, a dad-strip-tease number, then the mom-band gets sick of the mermaids’ shit and throws ’em into the river. “Fine!” says the mermaids, “We’ll just go join a punk band then!” It’s the classic tail of (get it? Tail!) boy meets fish, boy meets girl, boy dumps fish, fish eats boy.
I stopped hating it halfway through, and Mido stayed awake for the whole thing. She loves movies with a lot of fish content.
