There’s eight of these? Never heard of it. Have I? Maybe? Well it sucks, so it doesn’t matter. One of those movies where you know immediately you’re going to hate it. From the opening scene, to the opening credits, you know you’re going to hate it. However, I have made a pledge to include a certain undefined percentage of very bad movies to this website, so this fits.
(deep breath in)
A red Mercedes full of volleyball players (women, because horror movies have a kink for ladymurder) take a short cut through the woods. They get low on gas. They drive past the Camp Blood sign, then pull into a parking spot nice and easy while sound effects if a failing starter motor clues you in that they’ve run out of fuel while in transit. Oh no because girls are dumb! They all get out and open the hood to see why they ran out of gas or something, look inside, realize they know nothing about cars and then close the hood and shrug. Corny dialog follows, laying out all the camp slasher stereotypes you can think of before trotting off to a cabin that they are sure is out there someplace. Then my landlord comes out to tell them they are not safe here and they need to go home. Instead of helping them he tells them they’re all whores and goes away.
The bait bikini they left at the car starts singing to a banana because there’s nothing to do but sing at fruit. Evil clown now shows up so you know there’s an evil clown, he realizes there’s dumb girls in his forest so he goes out to kill them. Then his mom shlurps on his clown tongue. Hot! Clown pickpockets the car keys from the coach then walks off to grab car girl, because now he has the keys oh no! Meanwhile, the ghost of Derrick comes to warn two of them to leave, survivalist Fred comes to tell the other two the same thing. Neither are very helpful but they’re amazing actors.
I should point out that this is one of those “ironically bad horror movies” which is not only an improper use of “irony” but also an improper use of streaming bandwidth. You get it, right? All of it is intentionally bad so that you can laugh at how purposefully awful it is. It’s the awkward marriage of no-budget passion project horror movie and a public access TV attempt at making a small-town SNL type show. Ha ha ha funny. It’s great because they are trying to be lame. It’s the same as when I cook you a dinner that intentionally tastes like vomit. Ha ha ha funny. It takes like barf. Hilarious. Now you still wanna eat that vomit, don’t you? No??? Well then surely you’re just not artsy and clever enough to see that eating vomit is fun!
Go on. Eat the vomit. 85 minutes of vomit, go eat that vomit.
Okay!
Car bikini girl gets dragged back to the cabin where blonde clown mommy ties her up to some furniture. Hot! Two others get themselves locked in a random room out in the woods by accident, and they talk infantile nonsense while Derek the ghost feeds them a bowl full of not helpful. Killer clown is on his way and they devise a plan to escape by twerking at him. Pretty sure this script was written by the same 12-year-old who scripted “Axe Cop.” Twerker gets away while he handcuffs the other one. Hot! Not a lot of murder so far just kink. Camp Kink 8. Whole different category on Tubi with a title like that. I feel certain someone’s going to have a patently-unbelievable murder scene soon. Like maybe a clown hits her with a pillow and her boobs fall off and she faints to death. That would be pretty sweet.
Back to cabin, bondage and spankings and apple sauce. “Hey wanna make out? Look at my boobs for a sec! Yay! Oh hey have you heard of Camp Blood? It’s neat. Wanna be my girlfriend?”
I knew someone else got my letter to Santa. This volleyball chick got my presents! Fuck you, volleyball chick!
I don’t think I’d give this movie five stars if the intention was to make a serious horror movie, but since the plan (and I genuinely hope this is true) as to make a campy, shitty movie, then they hit that nail right on its head! Five stars!