A Rob Zombie horror movie, you know what that means… dirty people in cowboy hats, lots of blood, grainy desaturated color, his wife in every scene, and way too much dialog that doesn’t say a goddamned thing. All his movies pretty much look the same. “Rock n Roll Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” “Tattoo Parlor Chic.” “The 1970’s Fetishized.” “Scary White Zombie Concert.” Call it what you will, this is the pallet he paints with.
A Gen-Z client of mine referred to Rob Zombie’s music as “Dad Rock.” Weird, right? I think Steely Dan, Foghat, Cat Stevens, Gordon Lightfoot… but nope. We’re in a world where Slayer is fogey music. (shrugs) Oh no however will I learn to live with disdain of kids in high school I ask you poor me poor me.
The movie = Five carnival assholes who talk too much are abducted for no reason in particular by Fop Malcolm McDowell and made to play a survival murder game thing to get out alive, I believe the game is called “Hey Look Out I’m Coming To Kill You.” Super complicated plot. Weird dirty costumes and lot’s of wet drippy tunnels full of gas station bathrooms and Nazi stuff.
Little-Person Clown Nazi stalks around covered in greasepaint and swastikas, intimidating and terrorizing his prey by speaking Spanish at them until the moods strikes him to not. There’s no subtitles, the Spanish dialog doesn’t matter it’s just a character trait. Rob Zombie thinks you’re afraid of Mexican dwarves. Are you afraid of Mexican dwarves? Well are you, Carl?
Rest assured, once he dies we lose the most interesting computer-game-boss in the entire movie. Chainsaw Clownbilly Twins are kinda meh. The Nearly-Naked Elizabeth Daily boss would be in ANYone’s spank bank (can you believe she’s in her 60’s? Just wow) but still doesn’t compete with Shorty Hitler. Yelly-Nick-Cave is a store-brand Joker but at least they flesh out his character more than Ballerina Schwarzenegger.
Right. Sad. Now it’s Mrs Rob Zombie, Old Trucker Lady, Redneck Wolverine and Jamaican Ike Turner working together to find a way out of Blue Drippy Bathroom Tunnel… we’ll call it Stinky Labyrinth. They fight one computer game boss level after another while slowly thinning their ranks.
That’s the movie. Not bad, not great, a basic five outa ten.