First off, the subgenre “Foreign Horror” is bullshit. There is no such thing. No horror is foreign and all horror is foreign. “Nothing Bad Can Happen” is a horror movie from Germany, so it fits under the “Foreign Horror” category, meanwhile, anyone from Germany reading this isn’t going to see this as foreign, not like “Friday the 13th.” That’s “foreign horror” to them, and since it’s not 1984 right now, and the world is all streaming everything from everywhere, everything is international. What about “28 Days Later,” or “The Descent,” or “Eden Lake?” Those are horror films made in the U.K. How about “Pontypool” or “Gingersnaps” or “Grave Encounters?” Canadian horror movies. The only difference is that you don’t need to read subtitles. So anyone who labels something as “Foreign Horror” usually either is saying it’s exotic because it comes from someplace not Europe or North America, or they’re saying “Yer gonna have to read, Carl!”
I’m not trying to be woke or otherwise provocative, it’s just a dumb subgenre. Speaking of dumb shit…
This movie is about a cult of teenagers in a freaky-deaky punk rock Jesus cult. Yep. For dorks who really wanna get their religion on, but want it to be rock n’ roll so they can be dorks AND cool. Or, more likely, some standard religious types invented this as a way to lure more young people into their fucked-up club by making anarchy flags with a crucifix on them and making Agnostic Front style hardcore music with lyrics about being a believer or you’re going to hell because only our club can save you from hell so ROCK AND ROLLLLL!!!!!
Seriously, that’s just fucking stupid. If you have to take your Jesus clubs and “make them palatable” for young people you’re basically just admitting your bullshit is unpalatable. No disrespect to my religious friends, I have plenty of respect for people making their way the best they know how, and we as a culture crave a sense of community and a place where we just fit, but this sort of re-branding is transparent and, quite frankly, cringey as it gets.
The story is about one of these punk rock Jesus kids… Tore. Funny enough, the German title of the movie is Tore Tanzt. Tore is “gates” in German, right… so I have decided that this kid is gonna be named “Tony” and that the title of the movie is now “Nothing Tony Can Happen.” Well Tony is enjoying a repent and salvation mosh pit when he gets lured away from his Jesus clubhouse by a transient family after he discovers one of the Jesus punks has pre-marital sex. Oh no! I have to move away now and join a family I just met and know nothing about because handjobs are evil!
Surprise! This family is even worse than handjobs! Tony’s a virgin of course. He doesn’t know. He’s a nice kid really, a little naive and a little weird, oh and he gets monthly welfare benefits. Sicko families LOVE taking in strays with welfare benefits. Free money! Sickos love exploiting the needy!
Not an easy movie to watch, and it’s a slow burn to get there, if you can’t stomach watching themes of abuse then this movie isn’t for you. It gets pretty rough once you pass the halfway mark. Based on a true story, much in the way of “Girl Next Door” and “The Girl in the Box” which isn’t surprising because unlike hobgoblins and snot monsters and killer space clowns, shitty humans are real and they happen all the time.