That movie everyone was hyping up, the one where everyone has a weird psycho looneybird smileā¦ should I watch it. Duh. Of course! “But there is so much hype, how good can it really be?” Peh, know what else gets a lot of hype? Sugar, orgasms, blue jeans, melted cheese and driving fast. All great things. Oh, but then what else gets hype? Cardio, diets, mullets and very cold showers. Fuck THAT stuff!
Psychiatrist in a hospital, she works too hard and cares so much and counsels one babbling mumbling shambler after another, offset by the occasional screechy screamy biter, great life. Probably doesn’t even get paid as much as you think she does (they usually don’t). Then one patient comes in, hiding in a corner and all hyperventilatey and afraid of, I dunno, colors and smells. Afraid of the entire room and everything in it. Having a shitty day I imagine. Complains of hallucinations of body snatchers and skinwalkers, stuff like that. Then she flips her wig and slices herself up while grinning at the doctor. Doctor Lady watched her do it so oh no now she has the It Follows The Ring disease, where she looks at the wrong thing for a sec and now she’s doomed to die in a week or so while getting scary visions every day.
Love it. These supernatural creeping terror coming for you in the darkness inch by inch movies are bomb. Unless they suck. This one isn’t world-shatteringly nothing-will-be-the-same-againskies, but she don’t suck!
So the creeping horror transmits like some kinda social disease. The infected person gets more and more ubatz as the days pass, hallucinating some scary shit and getting all paranoid, and also dropping a lot of wine glasses on the floor. So many wine glasses. Anytime she opens her bottle of white wine at the end of the day I’m all “Dude buy plastic tumblers or something, glass isn’t for you!” In the end they pass it on by getting smiley at someone and making them watch as they suicide themselves in as traumatic a fashion as they can muster. No sleeping pills or jumping from a bridge nonsense, we’re talking disemboweling yourself with your kid’s little league trophy or chopping your own head off with a hydraulic log splitter then stuffing it up your own ass. The more messed up the better. Then THAT person who witnessed it is “it” and will eventually inflict the same smile monster disease onto someone else.
The whole thing is a metaphor for people who put on a fake front when they feel bad. Or maybe it’s about peer pressure or social media or cancel culture, whatever it is it’s a monster movie that wants to shame the audience for something it did and then think itself to be high concept social commentary.
When you’re done feeling shame for whatever (yes, trauma, it’s about trauma, I know, tell it to Facebook and XTwitter), there’s some good scares. Scary shadow faces in the dark corners of a room, weird voices on the phone, creepy dude sitting on the hospital bed, Gabriel’s hammer face, oh and speaking of faces that car window knock scene was a masterpiece in jump scares! You’ll probably rewind-rewatch THAT one a couple times!
Bigger-budget horror can be hit or miss, ironically. Sometimes the polish that a processed and refined carries can take away from it’s authenticity somehow. I know it seems counter-intuitive, that a pricier movie is less scary, but when you think horror you think grit. Grimy awkward with mediocre acting, and scares and scenery unbridled by a bigger production company. Not always, of course. For every Texas Chainsaw or Evil Dead there is a Shining or a Jaws, and somewhere in the middle lives movies like this.
The hype is what stands out with these mid-level horror productions. All the gimmicks and campaigns on social media and in major cities, and the reviews. “This one made me pee my pants and cry! Roger Bigbert, Phoenix Daily Sun.” “Only once in a species’ lifespan does a horror movie like this come along. Spencer Spitspot, Omaha Herald Bugle.” “This movie was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, and I was in four armed conflicts overseas! Randy Poppingtoffer, Cincinnati Times Mirror” Really, Randy? The scariest thing ever? Do you not watch horror movies? Or are you just a giant pussy? I get the impression a lot of these reviews are little more than paid advertising. I seriously doubt that “Witchboard III” is an “industry game-changer.”
While “Smile” got a suspicious amount of pre-release hype it’s actually not bad. It’s an above-average horror movie, sticks to a formula quite a bit but it has some creepy herbs and spices scattered all over, enough that even a seasoned (pun still intentional) horror fan can get something out of it. Solid effort, but I’m not going to pay much attention to the inevitable sequels. There will be at least two, there always is, and the third one will be the end of what people call “The Good Ones.” The rest will go direct to DVD/Streaming.