Australia has been knocking it out of the horror movie park the last several years. Just Google up “Aussie Horror” and see the giant bloody bag full of horror movie titles it brings back to you. The Loved Ones is another Aussie title I haven’t heard of until recently. It’s from the same director who built “The Devil’s Candy” which I also recommend. So let’s dip into it and see what happens!
The first ten minutes of this thing has me interested. Tragic accident, emotionally damaged teens, sexual tension, classic cars, naked boobs, a weird teenage girl that you know is gonna be trouble, a fun teenage buddy character that you know is either going to be a victim or a hero, an upcoming school dance, pretty decent music, BJ in a car, and it’s only been 7 minutes and 41 seconds. A movie that puts this much action into the first eight minutes is hoping you think twice before getting up to go vape in the movie theater bathroom.
Principle family characters experience a loss and are not remotely dealing with it very well, definitely not making healthy choices, definitely not going to “snap out of it” without professional help. Perfect time for the antagonist to step in!
There’s no slow burn here, shit gets real interesting real quick. 84-minute movie, might as well plod right into it!
Emotionally-damaged teenage boy says “No” when the school weirdie asks him to the dance (on account of him having a pretty serious girlfriend that an otherwise-normal weirdie would have taken into consideration before asking for a date?), so he gets forced into having what might have been a pretty hot BDSM’y date with the weirdie were it not for her parents sitting there and watching. Kinda kills the vibe. 86 the parents and we have some pretty sexy perv scenery happening!
You would be correct in thinking there’s something not quite right with me. Yes.
The kinky date continuously goes further and further off the rails, someone’s gonna have to use the safeword with this chick (and her dad, who is still around, but these two have a really problematically-questionable relationship anyway, so it’s no surprise) ’cause she seems to have no boundaries. “Safe, Sane and Consensual” left the room hours ago. By the time the drill comes out (there’s a drill, but you know that because it’s in all the movie posters) you’ve pretty much given up on finishing that popcorn bucket.
The moral of this story: If the weird girl at school asks you to the dance, move out of state, delete your social media, buy a pit bull and change your name.
