A house full of people is murdered to death and police find a partially-buried non-decomposed naked chick in the basement. First boob of the movie! Make sure that if you’re watching this at work you’re sitting with the screen obscured from the watchful eyes of your boss’s Big Brother style surveillance cameras. There will be boobs. Also, point it away from where coworkers might see, good rule of thumb when watching horror movies at work.
I have no clients today for four hours. Crap! Maybe I’ll watch a movie about a medical examiner and his son as they slice up corpses and weight their guts. Son’s girlfriend comes over and gives him the ol’ “I wanna see dead people! Show me dead people!” Fuck, Stacey, again with this? Jane Dead shows up for her dead-people check up, and Stacey’s date is cancelled because son just can’t pull himself away from the family morgue. Red flag, Stacey!
Jane Dead has no bruises or wounds or rigor mortis but she’s been dead for a good bit of time and a bunch of her bones are broken all to hell. Her waist is all skinny, her tongue is missing, she ate a string and there’s a bug in her nose. Oh my, how conundrummy!
“Maybe we oughta swab her vagina!” “Dad, not now, work first.” “Oh it’s bloody! Ewww!” “No one forced you to get all swabby, weirdo.”
Jane Dead’s autopsy is making no sense. Weathered-Old People-Slicer can’t figure this out. It’s storming outside and all manner of spooky ghosty stuff is going on in the morgue. Gotta stay and figure this out, though, Policeman Jones wants the cause of death first thing in the morning! Now let’s go back to pulling a bunch of weird shit out of her guts. Here’s a flower, a banana peel, a police whistle, four balloons, a Matchbox car, salt shaker, lucky rabbit foot, one of those little things you stick into a corn on the cob to eat it without getting your hands messy… just what do you call these things, anyway? Corn on the cob helpers? Vegetable handles? One of those. Then a mousetrap, some dice, a cufflink and an unopened Hickory Farms gift set. Yep, I can see now – she’s a witch. Who else would buy their own Hickory Farms gift set?
A ghosty fun time, this movie! It’s a shame I didn’t get to see it on a full-sized theater screen. This would have been a banger on the big screen.
