French horror, so you’re gonna have to read! Pregnant lady gets into a car crash, loses husband, now she’s miserable and hates the world. Four months later she’s due to give birth, any day now, and it’s Christmas. So in the spirit of Die Hard movie office arguments that makes Inside a Christmas movie. Bring the whole family, unless you hate Jesus. You don’t hate Jesus do you? After all he died on the cross because of all your sins, then rose from the dead after three days underground (not a zombie) and floated away a month later. That said, you need to watch this heartwarming holiday movie, or Jesus will just go ahead and give you all your sins back.
Still grieving her hubs, about to have his baby, and it’s fucking Christmas. All things considered, I would be a bit of a world-hater myself were I in her little French shoes. Kind of a nightmare situation, really – and naturally, everything gets just so much worse!
Late at night, if you’re a single pregnant woman and someone knocks at the door without calling first – don’t engage! 9 times out of 10 it’s gonna be a crazed serial killer. I read that somewhere. Also, if your house number is “666” you really gotta move. That’s just asking for trouble, nutty killer ladies in Renfaire clothes carrying knifes and scissors love houses like that. That’s exactly what happened here. She became a pregnant single woman and moved into 666 with her black cat and a nutter with scissors came and knocked late at night and of course nobody is armed to the teeth because it’s France and not, say Pennsylvania or Ohio or Oklahoma or Delaware or Nebraska or basically any American home. All our homes are just bristling with guns here. My place was advertised as a 2-bed, 2-bath, 14-gun townhouse with a yard. Low gun count, I’ll admit, but it’s the suburbs. Still, this French lady is only armed with a loaf of crusty bread and some cigarettes (I read somewhere that everyone on France carries those all the time), so she’s fucked.
“Why me?” she asks. “I want a baby” the psycho replies. “What kind of man would fuck a maniac like you?” her victim asks. “Oh you’d be surprised” I say to the TV. “We make all sorts of bad decisions where that’s concerned!”
This movie, all in all, is some pretty messed up baguette-and-cigarettes horror. So much blood and guts. The chilling aspect to it, is that this stuff happens, not just in movies. Like, more than just once. I’ve heard at least three stories on documentaries or on the news of pregnant women getting abducted by messed-up crazyladies who then try to (and occasionally succeed) remove the unborn baby from the mother, and make off with it. Although they probably don’t leave a parade of corpsey viscera in their wake like scary French goofball does in Inside.
Solid slasher entry, and there aren’t very many slashers like this one. Certainly not many with a female antagonist, and the antagonist in this one (BĂ©atrice Dalle) is super intense, and kinda sexy in a psycho French Nina Hagen sorta way. Great holiday movie! Merry Christmas, bring the family!