Got Fandango@Home (The Artist Formerly Known as Vudu)? You can watch this sucker for free! A Scottish bloke is hired for 200 quid per day to babysit a right nutter on her private island. Pip pip cheery-o and all that rot what! Barmy! They chain the poor twonk to the house, put a lampshade on the nutter’s head and sod off for the week.
I don’t know why I’m talking like this, I’m from Upstate New York. The only way some yank like me would speak with a brogue would be if I studied abroad for four months and wanted to impress all my friends with how worldly I am once I got back home.
Funny, that. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been an American for 55 years now, still can’t lose that accent. Your college roommate from suburban Connecticut, however, goes to London for just a few months and now she’s all “cor blimey!” this and “jolly good!” that. Madysen’s all exotic now and so much better than you!
So, this house is a friggin’ mess. Mold all over, holes in the plaster, I can only assume it smells like litterbox and basement. Scott (not his actual name) spends his first night on a flat mattress with a milk crate for an end table and gets hassled by haunted paintings and there’s a nice creep factor setting in and, well that’s when I start wondering “200 quid. Is that a lot of money? It doesn’t seem nearly enough to put up with this bullshit. I suspect the movie is supposed to have taken place at a time when 200 pounds WAS a good wage for a day’s work, because the characters have bushy sideburns and are wearing cardigans. Must be late-60s era. They’re on an island, so no old timey cars to determine the era by. Just the bad haircuts and, you know, grandpa sweaters.
Oh and did I forget to mention? He’s chained to the house with this massive leather and iron body harness attached to the foundation with a long and heavy chain and a padlock the size of your face.
Next day, the house is no less creepy, and the girl in the house is no longer catatonic, but that’s no comfort because she’s armed with a crossbow. Super awesome, I’m locked into this harness with a chain that leads to the basement (hashtag foreshadowing) in a creepy catboxy house on a remote island, and my only company is a haunted toy bunny and a crazy chick armed with a crossbow. Now, how much again is 200 pounds in the late 60s? Unless 200 GBP is close to 40 thousand American dollars, I’d say the beardy guy made some very bad life choices. Really should figure out a way to slip the harness, grab the bunny and paddle to shore, and live a happy life just Scott and his scary bunny.
Nevertheless, he continued making bad life decisions, and I let him know it! “Man the KEY is right there!” “Stop talking to the uncle!” “Don’t stick your hand in that hole!” “Take the fucking crossbow WITH you!” At this point I feel that if the stinkyhouse boogeyman gets him, that’s on him. I can only do so much.
Pretty good movie that I’ve never heard of before today. Mido slept through most of it, but she liked the parts with the bunny.
