A cop has her first night on the job babysitting a decommissioned and aggressively-haunted police station on it’s last shift, and wacky hi-jinks ensue!
I hate her job already. All alone in this place and goofy shit happens all night long. Like the dead are excited that someone is there, and they wanna show off. There’s no reason a ghost would do all this slamming and screaming and opening and closing and turning things on and off except just to mess with the living. Ghosts are ghosts but these ghosts are just assholes. I’m glad they’re dead, fuck those guys.
A ways into this very ordinary movie she meets up with a hooker smoking out back (she was idling in “old hooker” parking) who tells her about the shenanigans of some murder hippies they arrested back in 19whogivesashit. It takes a half hour, but we finally get to that obligatory “Let Me Tell You About The Unfortunate History Of This Place” scene. Just once I’d love a haunted house horror movie say “No, there’s no history, no backstory, this is a happy place. I think it’s just you.” Later, another cop showed up to tell her more “This Place Has A History” stories. It’s like all the other actors besides her are just footnotes at the bottom of the Wikipedia page. They show up with no other purpose except to provide you a little bit of source material.
So murder hippies haunt the place. Murder hippies and office chairs. There’s some pretty pissed off chairs in this joint. And a bouncy angry telephone, too. That was fun.
Then there’s the dame who declares about her sanity “If crazy is being devoted to something you love, then I’m as crazy as a slimy snail in a tin can” is not something people say. No one. That was weird. Who writes this dialog?
Oh, right, then there’s the scary nightmare ghost-whatevers with bags on their heads and they just kinda stand there and shake their heads all fast-motioney. It’s a horror trope, to let you know this is supposed to be surreal and nightmarish. Kinda like those scary demon possessed zombie whatevers walk with their parts all bent and they twitch their necks at a funny angle, kinda spazzy-like, and it has that crunchy knuckles-cracking sound. Another overused trope intended to look like an otherworldly horror video game demon monster. I don’t remember there being any crunchy-joints monsters in this one, just the bluhLUHLUHbluhLUH!!!! spazzy head-shakey ghost things.
That’s the movie in a nutshell. It’s a fairly basic horror movie, with a fairly recycled plot, and some updated CGI effects. Nothing amazing, just pretty ordinary. If you don’t watch many horror movies then you might like this one fine. Otherwise it’s pretty ordinary, pretty predictable. Pretty mass market appeal. Not awful, just not anything to write a blog review of.