So I finished watching some sort of torture porn’ish movie on one of the streamers, I think it was either Hostel 3 or that other thing I can’t remember the name of right now, and when the movie is over we have the streamer version of the “impulse aisle” where they line up a whole bunch of other suggestions at the bottom of the screen that they think you will like, based on nearly nothing at all, complete with a “Hey we think you will love this one, so we’re just going to go ahead and automatically start playing it for you in another 15 seconds” which is rude, because they don’t know, I might have been really jiving with that end credits song, or maybe I wanted to take this opportunity to get up and, I dunno, use some part of my body besides my butt and my remote control button thumb for just five minutes today? Get my cardio cry started.
OH! It was Live Animals, the other movie I was trying to remember. Now I’m going to try to forget it again, as I now remember that my forgetting it was intentional. Like a colon cleanse, just blast all that yuck out of my mental database. Blecky! Go ‘way, Live Animals! You were terrible!
…so as I was finishing with the riveting end credits of, whatever, the streamer said “Hey Kev!” Shit, they know my name. “Hey Kev we think you’ll love this one, it’s called 9 Days: Whipped, Chained and Tortured by a Psychopath!” My first thought is that I really need to delete my Google search history more frequently than I do, but DO go on, streamer! Tell me about this – OH! You’re just going to start it up for me in another nine sec… well sure I guess, I had nowhere I needed to… aaaaand it’s running and I’m powerless to do anything to stop it from happening, let’s see what this compelling title is attached to.
The streamer tells me it’s based on Dante’s Inferno, and I reply “No you’re not, you’re not nearly that sophisticated, and (sarcasm alert) big original thought! What, “Paradise Lost” wasn’t taking your calls? Dante’s Inferno references in horror are an exclusive offering from a group we in the business know as “Everyone” and 9 Days probably has a super unique spin on the overdone concept that I’m just going to swoon over!
This movie starts with a 16 or 17 year old girl, as played by a fully-boobed 35-year-old actress cosplaying a teen, escaping from creeper foster care. As she’s hitchhiking her way to sunny California she gets picked up by Weirdo von Dorkestein in an econo car, who then precedes to take her to his house for dinner and a stay in his spare room before taking her to California the next day and she totally agrees with it and sees no problems because that’s just how hitchhiking works. It’s like a free B&B with transportation that you get just for being pretty and alone on a deserted highway, and there’s nothing suss about that whatsoever.
So far I’m liking this movie. It’s another horror comedy that’s not really funny so much as it’s implausible and ridiculous and it seems like something two of my dorkiest friends might make with a rented camera some weekend. It’s indie and low-budge so scale your expectations accordingly.
This slightly-less-bobble-headed Matt Gaetz look-and-act-alike explains, after chaining her to a pole in his basement, that he’s a freaky religious nutter and believes that god can’t save you from your sins unless you positively sin your brains out first so that he has something to forgive… which makes sense if you’re at least a little bit high when watching this movie. I have no reason to know this, lucky guess. So in order to get forgiveness this Matt Gaetz Clone, or MGC for those who love abbreviating everything, well he has to just sin his brains out with this 16-or-17-year-old girl.
I know, how ridiculous a premise is that, I ask without a shred of sarcasm. Why would I believe that someone who looks like former Florida congressman Matt Gaetz is capable of molesting a 17-year-old girl? Preposterous!
Now I should point out that the title of this movie is a little misleading. First, there weren’t really 9 days, probably closer to five. There was only one chain, not multiple, and it didn’t play the starring role that the title might imply. All the whipping is self-inflicted but it still counts (and there ARE two of them, so the S can factually be applied), and by the end of the movie the advertised “torture” has involved a lackluster waterboarding, a second girl coming onto the scene to punch the primary girl in the face a few times, followed by a variation on a typical Catholic school punishment, a Wimm Hoff type plunge, and then they made s’mores. As for Matt Gaetz’s clone being a psychopath that is up for debate. I can’t say for sure that this character is an actual psychopath, only that this particular Matt Gaetz is fond of doing inappropriate things with 16-to-17-year-old-girls.
…allegedly.